How to be miserable after a breakup

1. Text her, often

You don't want her to get away. There's probably still hope. Whether you broke up with her or she with you, you need to try everything in your power to win her back. It doesn't matter if she isn't responding -- be persistent.

If she asks you to stop texting her, start calling and leave voicemails. She'll change her mind once she understands how committed you are.

2. Check her social media

You need to be on top of this one. As soon as she posts a story on Instagram, watch it. Let her know that you're there and you care. Let her know you're paying attention.

If she posts a picture, like it. If you're feeling extra brave, leave a comment — just an emoji or two is enough. Anything to remind her that you're still out there, thinking of her.

3. Drink and do drugs

Drinking is your friend. Alcohol is cheap and does wonders when trying to push the pain away. Maybe start with a fifth of vodka every night?

If you haven't already, start doing drugs. But I'm not talking about weed — weed is for pussies. Buy cocaine, MDMA, and ketamine. Also, make sure you do all your drugs alone. Doing drugs with friends can sometimes be fun, but you don't want that. You want to maximize misery.

If you remember what you did yesterday, you're doing it wrong. Keep drinking.

4. Spend money

If you want to maximize misery, you will need to maximize financial problems. You're a grown-up with multiple credit cards, which is basically unlimited money. Why sit on them?

5. Sleep around

This one should be obvious. You're single, young, and don't have to spend money on a girl anymore. Download all the dating apps and free up your weekends to go to bars and talk to girls.

The goal here is to push down your fear of being alone through meaningless sex. Also, don't let them spend the night so that you can wake up all alone, questioning when you'll ever find real love again. Now, back to swiping.

6. Drown yourself in work

But not in a healthy way. You want to be working at least 14 hours a day. This may sound difficult, but they have drugs for that now. Adderall, Ritalin, Vyvanse, Modafinil, etc. Get a prescription and start consuming. The good thing is that these drugs will suppress your hunger (and passion for anything else), so you can start skipping meals and have more time for work.

7. Make her jealous

Post pictures of you with other girls on Instagram. Book a vacation and share photos liberally. Start hitting on her friends -- this is a surefire way of getting her attention even if she isn't looking at your social media.

Do whatever you can to get her attention and make her jealous. This endless pursuit to win her back will bring you misery, guaranteed.

Now, if you don't want to be miserable after a breakup, do the exact opposite of everything above. Delete your social media, stop drinking, stop doing drugs, go to the gym, start meditating, read, learn new things, eat healthily.

You can do this, king.