Illustration for How to be miserable after a breakup

How to be miserable after a breakup

Text her, often

You don't want her to get away. There's probably still hope. Whether you broke up with her or she with you, you need to try everything in your power to win her back. It doesn't matter if she isn't responding -- be persistent.

If she asks you to stop texting her, start calling her and leaving voicemails. Maybe she will change her mind once she understands how committed you are.

Check her social media

You need to be on top of this one. As soon as she posts a story in Instagram, you need to watch it. Let her know that you're there and you care. Let her know you're paying attention.

If she posts a picture, like it. If you're feeling extra brave, leave a comment — just an emoji or two is enough. Anything to remind her that you’re still out there, thinking of her.

Drink and do drugs

Drinking is your friend. Alcohol is cheap and does wonders when it comes to pushing the pain away. Maybe start with a fifth of vodka every night?

If you haven't already, start doing drugs. But not weed — weed is for pussies. Buy ketamine. Buy cocaine. Buy MDMA. And make sure you do all your drugs alone. Doing drugs with friends can sometimes be fun, but you don't want that. You want to maximize misery.

If you remember what you did yesterday, you're doing it wrong. Keep drinking.

Spend money

If you want to maximize misery, you will need to maximize financial problems. You're a grown up with multiple credit cards -- that's basically unlimited money. Why sit on them?

Sleep around

This one should be obvious. You're single, young, and you don't have to spend money on a girl anymore. Download all the dating apps out there and also free up your weekends so you can go to bars and talk to girls.

The goal here is to push down your fear of being alone through meaningless sex. Also, don't let them spend the night so that you can maximize misery when you wake up all alone, questioning when you’ll ever find real love again. Now, back to swiping.

Drown yourself in work

But not in a healthy way. You want to be working at least 14 hours a day. This sounds difficult, but they have drugs for that now. Adderall, Ritalin, Vyvanse, Modafinil, etc. Get a prescription and start consuming. The good thing is that these drugs will suppress your hunger (and passion for anything else) so you can start skipping meals and have more time for work.

Make her jealous

Download Tinder and hook up with as many girls as you can. If you get comfortable with one of them, post a picture of the two of you on your story. Cross your fingers and hope she sees it. You really want this one to hurt her. Hopefully the Tinder girl is prettier than your ex, too.

If she doesn't check your story, it's time to get creative. Schedule dates at a bar or restaurant she frequents. Book a trip to a tropical island and make sure she find out. At some point, she’ll notice how well you’re doing and will come crawling back.

Now, if you don’t want to be miserable after a breakup, do the exact opposite of everything above. Delete your social media, stop drinking, stop doing drugs, go to the gym, start meditating, read, learn new things, eat healthy.

You can do this, king.